Shuffling the Deck

Dear Self,

Yesterday was toughest so far, like not okay in my head. Alcohol is a depressant and I consumed plenty of wine the night before so maybe that lingered, dissipating as slowly as the days. And I've wanted it, for life to slow down. I've asked for it, begged for it. I've dreamed of it, desiring a slower pace so badly my imagination takes free reign to devise scenarios that would cause as much harm as good just for the sake of slowing down, and now... wow, I feel like I asked for this and now I want to complain because my wish came true.

At what cost?

Lives lost by the second. Healthcare workers slipping slowly into depressions that won't have room to surface for months, years. Families and communities and economies facing complete devastation.

This has to be happening for a reason, and I want to acknowledge that because then what's the point of all the suffering?

So what is the reason?

Maybe it's the power of connection...

Maybe it's a halt, a timeout, like how sometimes kids/adults can spin out of control and make stupid decisions because they're in auto mode of me, me, me...

Maybe it's a slap in the face, yo mankind, snap out of your superficial scenarios and see more beauty in the world you're destroying...

Maybe it's a shot of this is what happens when y'all don't play nicely...

I have no idea why this is happening in our world today but I do know it's bigger than all of us, it can't last forever, and in ways that seem necessary and pivotal and beneficial, I believe we can sprout new life from these surreal times if we so choose.

Again, at what cost?

That's the part I can't seem to tear my mind away from, thinking of what's happening in the hospitals in New York right now. When I read articles or watch videos, I can sense the eeriness at 7pm eastern standard time when city dwellers applaud their healthcare workers, anticipating the time of day when they can do something to help; meanwhile, hospitalists happen to be hauling more body bags into a refrigerated trailer parked in the alleyway and maybe the applause feels irritable because their efforts feel so damn futile.

What good will come from this?

I try to vibrate my thoughts in that direction as often as I can because I have to believe there's reason for the suffering, and my, what Divine timing.

My hopes are that families will grow stronger, that superficiality will begin to break down, what once seemed so damn important will prove irrelevant, that heart-centric living will outlast the ego with a force field of love that better deflects the bullshit seeping inside with each human interaction not to our liking, and that greed will take a back seat when rebuilding our country.

Are the gods shuffling the deck of humanity? Every so many decades, centuries, seems appropriate for a redo. Change the rules to keep us humans reactive. This is the type of shitty hand I've only read about in classic literature and history.

I already look forward to the end of grieving when reconstruction can begin, but I understand I'm supposed to stay with grief first, sit with it for awhile. Allow it to wash me, wash over me, wash me away, wash away my... what?? I don't even know what I'm grieving because I'm still stuck on WTH has happened to our planet? Maybe that's the grief.

Yet, I can fast forward my mind and see the other side, where good will come eventually. Maybe because it's spring.

Yesterday was the first day of spring break for my kids. We talked all sorts of grandiose plans months ago but didn't pull the trigger. For over a year, I've been thinking we'll go to Thailand this summer, but why did I never buy the tickets? Clearly glad to avoid the headache of cancellations, but again, takes me back to my deep desire to slow down.

Travel, however, isn't about slowing down, it's about building up a foundation of experiences that brace you for life events such as the one rippling across oceans to continents now connected by one invisible enemy.

Until it's safe again, I'll stick with traveling the alleyways of my brain to see what I feel like doing the next minute.

I haven't done shit to help my community besides stay the F home and donate with my thumbs. Think I might reach out to someone to cut fabric for masks.

Love, Me