Feel the Feelings

It's okay to do that you know. Feel the feelings, let them course through you, remembering you're human and that happens and that's okay. The intensity of an emotion pulses at the vibration you allow, so what do you want to vibrate?

I want to vibrate a feel-good feeling as often as I can. And I think I do, so when I veer off course and bad shit starts clogging my heart, I don't like it. I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel good, not shitty. Seems a worthy request I think.

But it's up to me. And to hit the redline of feel-good on my speedometer of life, well, I better have some trust in me. And to do that, I try to allow myself to feel all the feelings that come over me.

I pay attention.

I give them a nod, then decide if I want to welcome them or not.

Some days I feel amazing, often sunshine contributes to that, but a good spring thunderstorm can rock my world too.

Sometimes I just want to feel like shit for a day and so I do, and I don't feel bad about it. But I try not to wallow there too long, let the shitty feeling flush like turds down a toilet.

Bring on the next emotion.

All of humankind is filtering emotions at warp speed right now because of living with no real answers. We need to keep filtering, letting the shit flow through, it's better than wading in it.

I got kicked out of a book club on my first night showing up late after wrapping up another PTA meeting. I was 41 or 42. Married with two children, living up the road. It's become more obvious with time that I was asked to not return because of someone's insecurities; nonetheless, the news of not being welcomed back somewhere forces you to unfold some unexpected feelings.

"Ummm, oh-kay... Ha! WOW. Huh, hmm... maybe that explains why she left so suddenly?! LOVELY."

I honestly couldn't help but laugh when I was kindly asked to not come back to book club by a friend who stopped by one afternoon, a couple weeks after my first and last meeting, to deliver the news.

"It would be my pleasure to never return again, thank you for letting me know."

I was appalled but I was humored. I couldn't help but laugh at myself that I had just gotten kicked out of a book club I kind of asked to be a part of because I was really hoping to nerd out with some cool chicks, but I was grateful in the end to realize so quickly it was not meant to be, thank you universe for showing me. And that's okay. But I have to say, it took me through a cycle of emotions to finally feel that way.

First, there was the Disbelief, the what-the-fuck, the are-you-kidding-me, the this-is-fricking-hilarious, the damn-okay, the whatever!

And I just laughed at myself for a few hours, like the kind where your mouth contorts to a chuckle when you don't even mean to because you just had one quick thought flash and it got you again. That's how it felt for hours, just made me fucking laugh. I couldn't wait to tell my best friends, they would get a kick out of this one!

Then later when the laughter didn't come anymore, when maybe I tired of pretending the sting didn't burn just a little, because it did, how could it not, what the hell, am I that person? Is that what people think of me? Do I come across that way? What way DO I come across? <strong>NO!</strong> STOP. You don't think that way anymore. Stop thinking your worth is what people think of you. It's her perception, not who you are. Remember that.

I went to bed very sad that night, lots of questions and tears, fear that I had lost touch with who I am, and then…

I woke up at 4am. Raging.

Who the fuck does she think she is? She doesn't know a goddamn thing about me!

Anger was not going to help me fall back to sleep and I didn't even want to, I just wanted to be angry as hell and think every bad thought about her and her family and not even feel sorry, until I did...

Until I went into her head and saw the fear.

No one feels good living in fear. And so I welcomed Compassion because that feeling felt better than rage monster exploding in my chest as I lied in bed, sweating from carrying a heavy feeling that was no good for me.

I decided to choose not to be angry or resentful, and to see the whole experience as a learning opportunity.

To feel the feelings. They were so real and ping-pongy, I couldn't ignore them, and I feel myself do the same with other jolts in my life. I try to recognize each feeling each time, give it its time, then move along, keep flowing through the emotions.

I had been vibrating on Anger with the pandemic recently, just shifting gears more now to Compassion, and to stop driving myself crazy, and to give in to the situation of our world and let it unfold as it will. My assistance is my mask and my home, my common sense and my heart.

I certainly started off in Disbelief. What? A pandemic. That doesn't really happen. You read about that shit in philosophy and classic literature, the Bible for God's sake. That would never happen now.

Along with Disbelief can be his side kick Humor, thank you Miss Pamela Pupkin (@LauraClery) for pulling me out of some funks.

Sadness set in, not like I was waiting for it, but I knew it was going to happen. BRING IT ON. I could use a good cry.

Then, hello Anger, I knew you'd be stopping by, what's that? You can't stay long. Well, that's too bad...

See ya later, thanks to people in my life who remind me to look up and breathe, it's all good when you let yourself float downstream.

I try to not fight the current, so the Anger stage is the worst for me because it's where I feel the furthest from my true self. I believe I vibrate with Love, and I believe anyone who truly knows me knows that, and so a snake in the river is not going to scare me. Oops, maybe the rage monster still breathes &lt;wink&gt; but no really, the whole experience turned out to be a range of emotions that led back to me being happier with me, realizing more of what I don't want, more of what I DO want.

I think everyone can relate to that, especially when faced with this frickin' pandemic.

What more do I want from life?

What less do I want from life?

I know I want more of feeling good, so that's what I'm going to focus on. <strong>Feeling good</strong>. No more beating myself up for silly shit. Allowing myself to feel and breathe and be honest about what makes me tick so I can vibrate higher because sending ripples of love is fun for me.

Feel the feelings.

Just after I wrote this post, I went for a walk and listened to this. It matched.